XPC Forum

Merge Ion catre casa, alene, cu capul in pamant, tot bombanind.
Il vede Gheorghe: Ce faci mai Ioane ? Vorbesti de unul singur ?
Ion: Nu, de doi din sat !


Un tip, in San Francisco, pe plaja, gaseste o lampa; o ia in mana, o freaca.
Iese Jeni...adica Gini (:)))...ma rog. Ce mah ? Altu ? Pai esti al 4-lea saptamana asta !! Ce atatea dorinte ? 3 dorinte, 3 dorinte...Gata ! Nimic ! O dorinta ! Una singura ! Zii !!
Sta tipu' si se gandeste....Pai, as vrea sa-mi faci un pod, luuuung si frumos, numai pentru mine, de aici, pana-n Hawaii.
Se uita Gini lung la el...esti nebun mah ?? Nu se poate nicicum ! Alta dorinta !
Bine, as vrea sa inteleg femeile in totalitate. Sa stiu ce gandesc atunci cand nu vorbesc, sa inteleg de ce fac lucruri dubioase cateodata...vreau sa cunosc si sa inteleg perfect femeia !
Sa uita Gini fix la el....Auzi mah, ce ziceai de podu' ala ?!?

Pretorianu' wrote: Un tip, in San Francisco, pe plaja, gaseste o lampa; o ia in mana, o freaca.
Iese Jeni...adica Gini (:)))...ma rog. Ce mah ? Altu ? Pai esti al 4-lea saptamana asta !! Ce atatea dorinte ? 3 dorinte, 3 dorinte...Gata ! Nimic ! O dorinta ! Una singura ! Zii !!
Sta tipu' si se gandeste....Pai, as vrea sa-mi faci un pod, luuuung si frumos, numai pentru mine, de aici, pana-n Hawaii.
Se uita Gini lung la el...esti nebun mah ?? Nu se poate nicicum ! Alta dorinta !
Bine, as vrea sa inteleg femeile in totalitate. Sa stiu ce gandesc atunci cand nu vorbesc, sa inteleg de ce fac lucruri dubioase cateodata...vreau sa cunosc si sa inteleg perfect femeia !
Sa uita Gini fix la el....Auzi mah, ce ziceai de podu' ala ?!?

:lol: misto

Pretorianu' wrote:Un tip, in San Francisco, pe plaja, gaseste o lampa; o ia in mana, o freaca.
Iese Jeni...adica Gini (:)))...ma rog. Ce mah ? Altu ? Pai esti al 4-lea saptamana asta !! Ce atatea dorinte ? 3 dorinte, 3 dorinte...Gata ! Nimic ! O dorinta ! Una singura ! Zii !!
Sta tipu' si se gandeste....Pai, as vrea sa-mi faci un pod, luuuung si frumos, numai pentru mine, de aici, pana-n Hawaii.
Se uita Gini lung la el...esti nebun mah ?? Nu se poate nicicum ! Alta dorinta !
Bine, as vrea sa inteleg femeile in totalitate. Sa stiu ce gandesc atunci cand nu vorbesc, sa inteleg de ce fac lucruri dubioase cateodata...vreau sa cunosc si sa inteleg perfect femeia !
Sa uita Gini fix la el....Auzi mah, ce ziceai de podu' ala ?!?

Cineva mi-a urmat sfatul! 8)
Mai cauta, ca sunt unele de nu poti sa faci click ca te zgudui de ras.

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

There was a farmer that had four daughters. One night he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said,
"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."
The farmer thought that this was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,
"My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"
Again the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said,
"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"
Again the farmer was amused and let them go.
Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing here. He began,
"My name is Chuck."
The farmer shot him.

Un rus - un tovaras.Doi rusi - o celula.Trei rusi - un partid.

Un neamt - un soldat.Doi nemti - o armata.Trei nemti - un razboi mondial.

Un englez - un gentleman.Doi englezi - un club.Trei englezi - un imperiu cu Regina.

Un francez - un bonhomme.Doi francezi - doi indragostiti.Trei francezi - o familie si prietenul familiei.

Un italian - un tenor.Doi italieni - o cearta.Trei italieni - Mafia.

Un spaniol - un toreador.Doi spanioli - doi conchistadori.Trei spanioli - Inchizitia.

Un elvetian - un bancher.Doi elvetieni - o garda.Trei elvetieni - un neamt, un francez si un italian.

Un maghiar - un vitez.Doi maghiari - un ceardas.Trei maghiari - nu se poate, al treilea e tigan.

Un grec - un palicar.Doi greci - o civilizatie.Trei greci - destui pentru Iliada.

Un evreu - un Einstein.Doi evrei - o bomba.Trei evrei - poporul "ales".

Un arab - un dreptcredincios.Doi arabi - o moschee.Trei arabi - Jihad.

Un chinez - un filozof.Doi chinezi - un zid.Trei chinezi - a, nu, si asa sunt prea multi!

Un japonez - un samurai.Doi japonezi - Banzai!Trei japonezi - unul trebuie sa fie Gai-Jin.

Un american - un cowboy.Doi americani - un business.Trei americani - un Pentagon.

Un roman - un "poet".Doi romani - un caz de coruptie.Trei romani - Eterna si fascinanta Romanie.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you Ł100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the Ł100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your *****, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't **** with anyone who can drink that much beer."

Cica faza reala... e mai veche dar super



Real Story: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM,
was running a competition to find contestants who could
come up with words that were not found in any English
Dictionary, yet could still be used in a sentence
that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to
Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two
standing out:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what is your word?"
Caller: "Goan...spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "We are just checking that (pause) and you are
correct, Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in
the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a
trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that
word in that would make logical sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced
that there is no place for that sort of language on a
family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the
following caller:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what is your word?"
Caller: "Smee...spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "We are checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Jeff. 'Smee' is certainly a word not found in the
English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip
for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that word
in that would make logical sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

Intr-un bar intra disperat un politist:
-Poate cineva sa ma ajute? Mi-am incuiat cheile in masina si nu
stiu ce sa fac!
-Pai, ai lasat cumva geamul un pic deschis?
-Da!
-Atunci este bine, uite, ia sarma asta, indoaie-o la virf, ca un
carlig, si prin geamul intredeschis incearca sa agati cheile.
-Multumesc, m-ati salvat!
Dupa un timp, in fata barului incepe sa se adune lume, care se
uita spre parcare si radea in hohote. Un tip din multime intra in bar.
-Ce razi, nene, ce-ai patit?
-E un politist afara care încearca sa-si scoata cheile din masina
cu o sarma... ha, ha, haaaa...
-Si ce-i asa amuzant, noi i-am spus cum sa faca...
-Se poate, dar mai e un politist inauntru care-l ghideaza!

Sesiunea trece, studentii raman!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mai intai Moise a spus "totul este Dumnezeu" apoi a venit
Christos , care a spus"Totul este iubire "
mai tarziu a venit Marx care a zis "totul este capital"
apoi a fost Lenin , care a spus "Totul este munca"
iar in final a venit Einstein care a concluzionat "Totu-i relativ"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cine se scoala de dimineatza, casca toata ziua.

Fie painea cat de rea, tot mai bun e cozonacul.

Decat sarac si bolnav, mai bine bogat si sanatos.

Cine ride la urma, gindeste mai incet.

Totdeauna tine minte ca esti unic, ca toata lumea dealtfel.

Ne nastem goi, uzi si flaminzi. De abia dupa aceea lucrurile se inrautatessc.

Timpul este cel mai bun profesor. Din pacate isi omoara toti elevii.

Societatea informatizata:
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?" Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system , you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: "#$$^%&$@$%^"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"
Customer: [Speechless]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches
who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train.. but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...

Se poate pune stapânire pe (si distruge) planeta Pamânt cu ajutorul computerului?
Raspunsul este DA si anume:

1.Gaseste URL-ul lui Dumnezeu (înearca god.org, god.net, poate god.com, dar în nici un caz islam.com sau vatican.net).
2.Sparge password-ul (încearca Isus, Adam, Moise, Maria, sau poate Satan)
3.Instaleaza urmatorul Script-Program. Nu uita sa îti folosesti numele în program:

DELETE Paradise:*.men
MOVE Anna Nicole Smith TO Paradise:
MOVE Pamela Anderson TO Paradise:
MOVE [ NumeleTau ] TO Paradise:
FORMAT Earth:/U
INSTALL Ocean
INSTALL Continent
INSTALL Bacteria
INSTALL Plants
INSTALL Insect
INSTALL Fish
INSTALL Dinosaur

Nu stiu daca urmatoarele linii functioneaza (probabil ai nevoie de un Superuser-Password, dar nu se stie?):

RENAME [NumeleTau ] TO God.God

daca doresti sa distrugi si Pamântul:

UNDELETE Einstein.man
RENAME BillGate.god TO BillGate.man
RENAME Michael_Jackson.wom TO Michael_Jackson.man
EDIT Sunrise.ini
DELETE *.nazism
COPY Earth:AfricaKenyaLions.anm TO Earth:AmericaUsaNew_york
MOVE ION@ILIESCU TO Earth:RussiaSiberia

jesus...

that`s me!





PS | 4|\/| 1337 |-|4><0|>\

Laugh at the Pregnant Lady

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

Tarile organizatoare asiatice ale turneului final FIFA 2002 se grabesc
sa se confrunte intre ele intr-un meci amical in dorinta de a arata lumii
intregi care dintre ele este mai tare.

Acest meci a fost inspirat de o afirmatie facuta de comentatorul roman al
partidei de fotbal Correa de Sud - Spania , care spunea :" Stimati
telespectatori, ma aflu chiar linga banca de rezerve a fotbalistilor
coreeni, care au niste nume, a caror pronuntare in limba romana , ar
face pe orice roman sa roseasca !"

Afirmatia este autentica, dar eu cred ca voi nu o sa rositi la citirea
lor, ci o sa va cam tineti cu miinile de burta. Pentru a citi corect,
trebuie sa retineti urmatoarele : CH se citeste CI, grupul SH este S cu
sedila, TS este T cu sedila, iar accentele pe cuvinte sint ale limbilor
respective.

Dar sa nu mai pierdem vremea, iata echipele aliniate la start :


JAPONIA



Antrenor : NABAGO SHINDOSU

Portar : NAMUIA

Fundasi : CHOKUDAI, NAKAKA, FUTOWARU, DAYONNARA

Mijlocasi : OSORAZI, YAKUBOTU, NASHIWATA, SAOSUGI,

Atacanti : NAMACHUKA, YASHIMATSU,

Rezerve : NAONOCHI,KOYOSU,NAWAKURU,SHIKARASU,YATUMUCI



COREEA DE SUD



Antrenor : FU TON CHOK

Portar : KOA YEN DJAM

Fundasi: NA CHUN GA, CHOI DAN KOI, LING DO SU, KOI DUN KIL

Mijlocasi: LIM BIM PING, SU GIO LIN, LIM BIM DAI, SO BE LIM

Atacanti: LIN GUN KOI, LIN DIK SUG

Rezerve: SU GIUN KOI, NA SUN KOI, CHO FU TU, SU LAN DOI, LA CHO KAN



Partida este condusa la centru de arbitrul nigerian NASUGEMI KUKULELE,

ajutat la margine de arbitrul chinez FU TSIU NAN si SELIN GENKUR din

Turcia.



Va doresc vizionare placuta !

o sarma pe fundul stomacului. statea singura ca proasta si-si facea siesta.
la un moment dat apar 200 de vodca.
sarmaua: bah, ce-i galagia asta aici? cine sunteti voi?
200devodca: pai noi suntem 200 de vodca.
sarmaua: bah da urati sunteti! si ce cautatzi aici?
200devodca: pai nu stii, e ziua lu gigi.
sarmaua: aha! fir-ati ai dracu' cu gigi al vostru! si sarmaua se retraga din
nou pe fundul stomacului, usor deranjata de zgomotul salbatic al 200 de
votca.
la un moment dat apar 200 de coniac.
200deconiac: haaa! la la...
sarmaua: bah, bah, ce-i galagia asta, cine dracu suntetzi voi?
200deconiac: ha, ha, pai noi suntem 200 de coniac.
sarmaua: si ce dracu cautatzi aici, fir-ar mama voastra?
200deconiac: ha, pai nu stii? e ziua lui gigi!
sarmaua: aha! fir-ati ai dracu' cu gigi, si sarmaua se retrage din nou.
la un moment dat galagie mare din nou si stomacul se aglomereaza brusc. 4
beri.
sarmaua: bah, cine pana mea mai sunteti si voi?
gashcade4beri: pai noi suntem gashca de 4 beri.
sarmaua: si ce dracu mai vreti si voi?
gashcade4beri: pai nu sti, e ziua lui gigi si am venit si noi.
sarmaua: lua-v-ar dracu cu familia voastra si cu astia care au mai veni si
or veni, si iar se retrage in coltul ei, fara a se mai putea culca insa de
aceasta data.
dintr-o data galagie creste si mai si, plus aglomeratie la maxim. scandal
mare. 200 de votca se incaiera cu 4 beri, iar 200 de coniac se injura cu 700
de vin care tocmai aparuse. aglomeratie, injuraturi si alte dasetea.
sarmaua: bah, liniste, bah, ce-i harababura asta aici? bah, voi aia mulţi,
cine suntetzi voi?
700devin: bah, taci!
sarmaua: bah esti nesimtzit, cine dracu suntetzi voi?
700devin: pai suntem 700 de vin, ce pana noastra.
sarmaua: si ce cautatzi aici?
700devin: pai e ziua lui gigi.
sarmaua: baga-mi-as p___, ia ca ma duc io sa vad cine-i gigi asta.

Little Jack was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Jack was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes In front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Jack aside to ask him, Is that really true about your father?" No," said Jack, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

(Intrebi o tipa)

Care-i diferenta intre 10 minute de sex oral si 10 minute de sex anal ?
O sa-ti raspunda (normal): Nu stiu !
Ii spui tu: Cand ai 20 de minute libere la dispozitie, sa vii sa-ti arat !!

P.S. Dupa ce termini ultima propozitie, sa faci o eschiva... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Un tanar se adreseaza unei femei pe strada: "As avea o intrebare: daca v-as oferi un milion de dolari ati face sex cu mine?".
Raspunsul vine imediat: "Bineinteles!"
"Dar pentru 5$?"
"Vai domnule dar ce fel de femeie credeti ca sunt?"
"Asta am stabilit mai inainte, acum negociam pretul!"

Ce-i important in viata?
Un profesor de filozofie statea in fata studentilor sai avand cateva
obiecte in fata lui! Cand a inceput ora, fara sa spuna un cuvant,a
luat un borcan mare si a inceput sa-l umple cu pietre cu diametrul
de aproximativ 5 cm. Apoi i-a intrebat pe studenti daca borcanul
este plin!
Au fost cu totii de acord ca este plin!
Apoi a luat o cutie cu pietricele si le-a turnat in
borcan,scuturandu-l usor. Desigur ca acestea s-au rostogolit printre
pietrele mari si au umplut spatiile ramase libere. Apoi i-a intrebat
pe studenti daca borcanul este plin!
Au fost din nou de acord ca este plin! Si au ras.
Apoi a luat o cutie cu nisip si l-a turnat in borcan, scuturandu-l
usor.
Desigur nisipul a umplut spatiul ramas liber.
"Acum, spuse profesorul, vreau sa recunoasteti ca aceasta este viata
voastra. Pietrele mari sunt lucrurile importante: familia,partenerul
de viata, sanatatea si copiii vostrii, lucruri care,chiar daca totul
este pierdut si numai ele au ramas, viata voastra tot ar fi
completa.
Pietricelele sunt celelalte lucruri care conteaza:
slujba, casa si masina. nisipul reprezinta lucrurile mici, care
completeaza restul.
Daca puneti in borcan mai intai nisipul, nu mai ramane loc pentru
pietrele mari si pentru pietricele. La fel se desfasoara si viata
voastra: daca va consumati timpul si energia cu lucrurile mici, nu
veti avea niciodata spatiu pentru lucrurile importante. Fiti atenti
la lucrurile care sunt esentiale pentru fericirea voastra. Jucati-va
cu copiii vostri, faceti-va timp pentru controale medicale,
duceti-va partenerul la dans.
Va ramane mereu destul timp sa mergeti la servici, sa faceti curat
in casa, sa dati o petrecere sau sa duceti gunoiul. Aveti grija de
pietrele mari in primul rand, de lucrurile care intr-adevar
conteaza.
Stabiliti-va prioritatile, restul este doar nisip."

Un student a luat borcanul, care cu toti erau de acord ca este
plin, si a turnat in el o sticla de bere! Berea a umplut spatiile
ramase libere si a umplut cu adevarat borcanul!
MORALA: Nu conteaza cat de plina iti este viata, mereu ramane loc
pentru o bere!

And now is time for 1337 prayer:

Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
Give us this day our warez,
mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz,
just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z b0x
when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong,
and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

Editat la kil din motive. Punct.
@ Zana Maselutza


off, mai încerc o data...


Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers
of the word in various parts of the world...


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
**************************
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
**************************
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
**************************
Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
**************************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
**************************
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
**************************
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
**************************
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
**************************
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
**************************
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
**************************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
**************************
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
**************************
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
**************************
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
**************************
Q: Did he kill you?
**************************
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
**************************
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
**************************
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
**************************
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
**************************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
**************************
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
**************************
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
**************************
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
**************************
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
**************************
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
**************************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
**************************
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
**************************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
**************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
**************************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
**************************
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
**************************
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina
show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
**************************
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
**************************
LAWYER: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and put on top of my head.
**************************
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me:
"Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four
words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

Cotidianul londonez Mirror i-a oferit presedintelui Bush cateva sfaturi prietenesti:

"Ghidul Idiotului in Marea Britanie"

Cu ocazia vizitei lui George W. Bush la Londra, presa britanica a publicat un set de sfaturi
inedite, intitulat "Ghidul idiotului in Marea Britanie", de care presedintele american ar
trebui sa tina cont in cele trei zile:
- Londra este capitala Marii Britanii, care este o tara independenta si nu al 51-lea stat al
SUA.
- Seful statului este regina Elisabeta a II-a (se pronunta a doua si nu a unsprezecea).
Nu trebuie sa o luati pe dupa umeri si sa ii spuneti "draga". Trebuie sa va adresati cu
"Majestate" sau "Doamna".
- Fiul ei cel mai mare este Printul Charles, nu "Chuck". Nu aduceti vorba despre valeti si nu il intrebati daca a vazut vreun film bun.
- Daca va aflati la un banchet oficial, folositi tacamurile incepand dinspre exterior.
Hamburgherii si cartofii prajiti nu se vor afla in meniu.
- "Batalia pentru Anglia" a fost castigata de Fortele Aeriene Britanice, nu de Tom Cruise
sau Bruce Willis.
- Noi traim in democratie si avem dreptul sa manifestam. In cazul in care, de-a lungul
traseului parcurs, se vor afla mii de demonstranti anti-razboi, nu cereti sa fie inchisi.
- William Shakespeare, cel mai mare dramaturg al nostru, a scris "Romeo si Julieta",
nu Zefferelli. Nu cereti sa va intalniti cu Will - este mort. (M.A.B.)

Intr-o seara friguroasa de iarna o tanara statea pe unul din podurile Dambovitei si se gandea cum sa scape de viata asta amara. La un moment dat Mos Craciun se apropie si-i zice:
-Ce faci tu aicea, fata mosului?
-Ce sa fac, mosule, iaca sunt suparata, ca n-am servici, n-am casa, n-am bani si ma gandesc sa ma omor sa scap de toate necazurile.
-Ei, fata mosului, stai ca nu-i dracu asa de negru.. . Uite, eu pot sa-ti indeplinesc trei dorinte, acum, pe loc. Spune, ce-ti doresti?
-Pai, as vrea sa am o vila in Cotroceni.. .
-S-a facut, asta e adresa, si astea sunt cheile de la noua ta casa. Altceva?
-O masina, mi-ar fi de mare folos.. .
-Nici o problema, in garajul casei un Mercedes te asteapta. A treia dorinta?
-Pai, as vrea sa am un cont in banca ca sa-mi nu-mi mai fac griji din cauza banilor.. .
-In casa o sa gasesti un carnet de cecuri, ai un milion de dolari in banca. Dar stii fata mosului ca toate astea sa se indeplineasca trebuie sa indeplinesti o conditie.. .
-Spune, Mos Craciun, ce trebuie sa fac?
-Pai, as vrea sa te asezi in genunchi si sa-ncerci un sex oral.
-Vai, mosule, nu pot sa fac una ca asta!
-Cum, pentru toate dorintele care ti le-am indeplinit?
Pina la urma fata se lasa convinsa si se apuca de treaba. Dupa vreo 5 minute, mosu o intreaba:
-Cati ani ai tu, fata mosului?
Luand o scurta pauza, fata raspunde:
-28, mosule.
-Si la varsta asta, mai crezi in Mos Craciun?!!

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

*************************

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

*************************

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

*************************

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

*************************

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

*************************

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

*************************

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter!"

*************************
!
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

*************************

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

*************************

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

*************************

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

*************************

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy!"
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

*************************

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

*************************

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

*************************

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: ! "Yes, but would you stay there?

*************************

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

O blonda, iarna, citeste afisate la receptia hotelului cotele zapezii:
- Busteni - 15 cm;
- Clabucet - 20 cm;
- Postavarul - 25 cm;
Blonda se duce la receptioner si intreaba:
- "Care este camera domnului Postavarul?"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.'
'Well put,' the judge replied. 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.'
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Top 100 things you don't want the sysadmin to say.

100. Uh-oh.....
99. ....!!
98. What the hell!?
97. Go get your backup tape. (You _do_ have a backup tape?)
96. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
95. Wow!! Look at this.....
94. Hey!! The suns don't do this.
93. Terminated??!
92. What software license?
91. Well, it's doing _something_.....
90. Wow....that seemed _fast_.....
89. I got a better job at Lockheed...
88. Management says...
87. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
86. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
85. It didn't do that a minute ago...
84. Where's the GUI on this thing?
83. Damn, and I just bought that pop...
82. Where's the DIR command?
81. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
80. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
79. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
78. Do you smell something?
77. What's that grinding sound?
76. I have never seen it do *that* before...
75. I think it should not be doing that...
74. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
73. You might as well all go home early today ...
72. My leave starts tomorrow.
71. Ooops.
70. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
69. ``Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?''
68. Hmmm, curious...
67. Well, _my_ files were backed up.
66. What do you mean you needed that directory?
65. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
64. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
63. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
62. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
61. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
60. We're standardizing on AIX.
59. Wonder what *this* command does?
58. What did you say your (l)user name was...? [;-)]
57. You did _what_ to the floppy???
56. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
55. NO! Not _that_ button!
54. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
53. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
52. NO! Not _that_ button!
51. Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
50. [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of Dos is this running?"
49. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
48. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
47. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
46. What's this switch for anyways...?
45. Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
44. Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
43. If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
42. Was that YOUR directory?
41. System coming down in 0 min....
40. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
39. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
38. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
37. The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
36. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. ( This is said on a monday afternoon.)
35. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
34. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
33. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
32. Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
31. The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline... )
30. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
29. Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
28. I hate it when that happens.
27. And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
26. Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
25. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
24. You can do this patch with the system up...
23. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
22. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
21. Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
20. What do mean by "fired"?
19. hey, what does mkfs do?
18. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
17. ...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like _this_...
16. don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ ....
15. what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
14. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
13. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
12. now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
11. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
10. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
9. SMIT makes it all so much easier......
8. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
5. I don't care what he says, I'm _NOT_ having it on _MY_ network
4. We don't support that. We _won't_ support that.
3. ...and after I patched the microcode...
2. You've got TECO. What more do you want?
1. We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
0. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...
-1. This won't affect what you're doing.
-2. `We are shutting xxx down from 8.30 to 10.30 on Thursday to install a new tape drive.' The machine was up at about 2pm sans-tape drive
-3. `I just have to install these three patches. It should not take more than a few minutes.'
The machine was working again about 3 hours later...
-4. Umm, did anyone have anything important in /usr?
-5. We had to format some tracks, and we seem to have hit an inode track.
Half the files are still there though...
-6. Ooops, I should really have change directory before doing that chmod -R bin.bin .
-7. I just made an extra 2 meg of space in /, I stripped /vmunix.
Oh, so that's why ps doesn't work.
-8. Ignore the errors. It complains too much.
-9. I got these instructions off the net. I'm going to follow them exactly. Let's see if they work.
-10. Heard at my workplace when I found emacs wouldn't run :
"Oh I took that thing off, it was huge and nobody uses it. It's
a stupid editor anyway." --Spoken by an MS-DOS programmer
-11. I don't know if this is ethical, but...

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

1 Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
2 Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
3 Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
4 Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
5 Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
6 Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
7 Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
8 Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
9 Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
10 Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
11 Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
12 Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
13 Mine his bathroom.
14 Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
15 Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
16 Take pictures of all his wives and post them on http://www.amihotornot.com.
17 Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on http://www.amihotornot.com.
18 Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
19 Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
20 Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
21 Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
22 Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
23 Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
24 At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
25 Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
26 Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27 Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
28 Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
29 Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
30 Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
31 Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
32 Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
33 Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
34 Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
35 Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
36 Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
37 Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
38 Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
39 They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
40 Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
41 Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
42 Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
43 Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
44 Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
45 Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
46 Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
47 Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
48 Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
49 Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
50 When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

Intr-o celula de inchisoare erau un zoofil, un necrofil, un sadic si un masochist.
Plictisindu-se ei la un moment dat incepe zoofilu':
Zoofilu : mama, de-as avea acuma o pisica! mama ce i-as face, pe toate partile si in toate pozitiile, pana ar muri, dupa care as arunca-o.

Necrof. : cum s-o arunci, esti nebun? as lua-o si as f.., s-o simti asa rece, pana as desfigura-o, dupa care as arunca-o si eu.

Sadicu :cum s-o arunci, ma? c-as da cu ea de toti peretii, pana i-ar zbura toate matele, etc, dupa care, da, poti s-o tot arunci.

Masochistu: ... nimic ...

Cei trei stau mirati si asteapta si varianta lui..

Masochistu : miau !

Lectia invatata
Eram fericit. Eram impreuna cu prietena mea de peste un an, asa ca
ne-am hotarat sa ne casatorim. Parintii mei ne-au ajutat in toate
privintele, prietenii m-au incurajat, iar prietena? Era un vis!

Era un singur lucru care nu-mi dadea pace, chiar deloc, si acela era
viitoarea soacra. Era o femeie de cariera, desteapta, dar in primul
rand frumoasa si sexi, care cateodata flirta cu mine, chiar pe fata,
si
ma facea sa ma simt prost. Intr-o zi, m-a sunat si m-a chemat pe la
ea,
sa verific invitatiile. Asa ca m-am dus.

Era singura si cand am ajuns, mi-a soptit ca in curand am sa ma
casatoresc si ca avea sentimente si dorinte fata de mine pe care nu
le
putea trece cu vederea. Asa ca inainte de a ma casatori si a imi
dedica
viata fiicei ei, ea vrea sa faca dragoste cu mine numai o data..

Ce puteam spune? Eram socat si nu puteam spune un cuvant.
Ea a mai adaugat ca se va duce in dormitor si daca ma simt in
stare....sa ma duc si eu. Priveam fermecatorul ei corp cum se
indeparta de mine.

Am stat pironit un moment, iar apoi m-am intors si m-am indreptat spre
usa de la intrare... am deschis-o si am iesit afara.

Acolo, sotul ei (viitorul meu socru) statea afara cu pusca in mana si
cu
lacrimi in ochi, m-a imbratisat si mi-a zis ca sunt foarte fericiti,
ca
am trecut micul lor test. Nu-si puteau dori un alt barbat pentru fata
lor:

"Bun venit in familie".

Atunci mi s-au inmuiat picioarele si am mai invatat inca o lectie
importanta:

Tine-ti tot timpul prezervativele in masina...

Nu e banc, dar e foarte distractiv.
http://www.themeatrix.com
Enjoy.

Nu prea sunt bancuri da` oricum merita 60 secunde...

Erau niste chestii de genul asta pentru accidente si cereri de despagubire catre asigurator. Momentan nu le mai gasesc.

Trei computeristi se duc in acelasi timp la buda. primul care iese din cabina se duce la robinet, se spala, ia niste servetele si se sterge cu grija pe fiecare deget etc., pana e multumit. dupa aceea le spune celorlalti doi: "eu lucrez pe windows cu visual basic si asa am invatat sa fiu foarte atent la detalii".Al doilea ia si el un singur servetel si, stergandu-se, are grija sa foloseasca orice colt uscat. dupa aceea spune: "eu lucrez pe windows cu visual c si am invatat sa folosesc foarte eficient resursele sistemului".
Al treilea nu se mai duce la robinet, si din usa le spune celorlalti doi: "eu lucrez pe linux cu perl si am invatat sa nu ma pis pe maini!


Intrebare: care este diferenta dintre un programator amator si unul profesionist?
Raspuns: cel amator crede ca un kilobyte are 1000 de bytes, iar cel profesionist crede ca un kilometru are 1024 de metri!

[ bancuri zise de ice01 pe #xpc ]

Tatal lui Bula meshterea din greu in baie.La un moment dat se aude un tipat.
Tatal lui Bula ii spune lui Bula:
-Ia du-te pana la vecinu'si vezi ce s- intamplat, ca a iesit burghiul pe partea cealatla, prin zid.
Se intoarce Bula de la vecin :
-Tata am doua vesti, una buna si una rea !
-Spune-o pe aia buna !
-Pai cand faceai tu gaura in perete a trecut burghiul prin perete si a intrat in fundul vecinului si i-a iesit prin scula !
-Pai si care e vestea rea ?
-I-ai spart dintii lui mama !

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Doua tipe imbracate super sexi se plimbau alene pe strada in puterea
noptii. O patrula de politie le opreste si le legitimeaza. Dupa verificarea actelor unul dintre politisti o intreaba pe una dintre fete:
- Dar cu ce treaba in oras la ora 3 dimineata ?
- Stiti eu sunt Stewardesa si am cursa la ora 4 si a trebuit sa plec catre serrviciu sa pregatim cursa.
- Si Dumneavoastra Domnisoara ? intraba politistul pe cea de a doua tipa
- Si eu tot ***** sunt dar nu stiu sa vorbesc asa de frumos.

Pasajele ingroshate de mai jos sunt pentru a va capta atentia si a va obliga sa cititi tot bancu asta stupid chiar daca e cam plictisitor (mai putin pt amatorii de bancuri seci)


Un baietel, sa zicem Ionel, se duce la un chiosc si intreaba: Aveti biscuiti? Si vanzatoarea raspunde: Avem biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatoarea: Nu avem prea multi biscuiti.
Nemultumit Ionel se duce apoi la un magazin mai mare.
Ionel: Aveti biscuiti?
Vanzatoarea: Avem biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatoarea: Avem multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuulti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatoarea: Eh...nu avem chiar asa multi biscuiti.
Nemultumit Ionel se duce apoi la supermarket.
Ionel: Aveti biscuiti?
Vanzatoarea: Avem biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatoarea: Avem multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuulti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatoarea: Avem multi multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuuulti multi multi biscuiti?
Vanzatoarea: Eh... nu avem chiar asa multi multi multi biscuiti.
Nemultumit si de data aceasta, Ionel se duce la un depozit en-gross.
Ionel: Aveti biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Avem biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Avem multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuulti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Avem multi multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuuulti multi multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Da... avem multi multi multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuuulti multi multi multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Totusi... nu avem multi multi multi multi biscuiti.
In cele din urma Ionel se supara si se duce direct la fabrica.
Ionel: Aveti biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Avem biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Avem multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuuulti multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Avem multi multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuuulti multi multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul: Da... avem multi multi multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuuuulti multi multi multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul:Avem multi multi multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Aveti muuuuuuulti multi multi multi multi biscuiti?
Vanzatorul:Bineinteles...Avem multi multi multi multi multi biscuiti.
Ionel: Mama...ce de biscuiti aveti!



Si inca unu scurt si care sper ca nu s'a mai zis p'aici: cum se sterge Adrian Copilu minune la fund? Rasp:Fuge prin iarba!!!

:lol:
Bune bancurile.
Keep up the good work.
Am si eu unul ( poate a mai fost ) dar mie imi place.

Intra o blonda intr-o pizzerie si cere o pitza. Tipul o intreaba :
- In cate sa v-o tai ? In 6 sau 12 ?
La care tipa :
- In 6 ... 12 nu voi putea manca niciodata !