Bancuri

brutalistu · Post by **brutalistu** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 6:54 pm

Metal Fairy Tale:
There is a beautiful princess trapped in a castleguarded by a dragon. Here is the end of the story with different kind of metalheads as knights.

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes
and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the
dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The
princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

* SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

* CHRISTIAN METAL

The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power
ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

* EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

* GRUNGE
The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other mosha's due to the over consumption of white cider.

* POP-PUNK
The dragon can't eat the protagonist because he can't catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won't f*ck him either, because he likes ska.

Jin · Post by **Jin** » Mon Feb 28, 2005 10:31 am

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had
done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a
sip." So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the .... out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, " Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me!"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

baronul · Post by **baronul** » Mon Feb 28, 2005 1:41 pm

Student pica la examenul de logica.
- Domnule profesor, daca va pun o intrebare de logica si nu stiti raspunsul, imi mariti nota?
- Da, sigur!
- Ce este legal dar ilogic, ilegal dar logic, ilogic si ilegal, toate in acelasi timp? Profesorul se gandeste, face scheme pe hartie, dar nu stie raspunsul.
- Bine, uite, ti-am pus 8 in loc de 3, acum spune-mi si mie raspunsul.
- Faptul ca dumneavoastra aveti 69 ani, iar sotia dvs. are 22 ani este legal, dar ilogic; faptul ca sotia dvs. are un amant de 21 ani este ilegal, dar logic, iar faptul ca dvs. ii mariti nota amantului sotiei dvs. este si ilegal si ilogic ......

Jin · Post by **Jin** » Thu Mar 03, 2005 11:59 am

Clear Day

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if
Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush
was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides
had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
so it went to the CIA, then to the NASA, then to the Secret Service.
With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6
for help.
MI-6 cabled the White House: Tell the President he
is holding the letter upside down!

Eggan · Post by **Eggan** » Tue Mar 08, 2005 6:58 pm

http://articles.energyradio.fm/anm/temp ... 1&zoneid=5
[u'll need sound enabled]

baronul · Post by **baronul** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 12:17 pm

convorbirile telefonice cu operatorii gsm sunt inregistrate.
iata cateva exemple - enjoy :

oper.: factura dumneavoastra nu s-a emis inca, bla, bla....
el:
domnisoara, factura este ptr. mine ca ciclul gagicii mele, cum nu
vine, cum incep sa ma ingrijorez...

-Ce tip de telefon aveti?
-Mobil !

"Nu mai vreau factura detaliata, vreau en-gross ..."
doamna, ma tot suna unu' Mist Cols, cine e dom'ne asta ?

Am incercat sa-mi apelez numarul azi si imi spune ca mi sau restructurat apelurile.
(dupa verificare) - Telefonul dvs. este blocat pentru ca ati cerut acest lucru, fiind furat.
- Asta stiu, dar de ce nu pot sa mai sun?

Oper.: Nu va aud! Va rog indreptati-va catre o fereastra!
El: Unde sa ma mai duc, dom`le? Eu sun din Costesti si sunt pe acoperisul casei !!!!

Rep : Ce aparat utilizati ?
Clientul : Un Mitibusii...a incercat sa se corecteze (dealerii
se
prapadeau de ras in magazin ) ...Mitibusu adica...!

Avea tel. blocat , oper. dicteaza formula de deblocare pt. Motorola apoi...
Oper.: Va rog sa tastati acum codul pe telefon ca sa ma asigur ca se deblocheaza.
A inceput sa formeze codul dar oper. auzea in casca cum il forma.
Oper.: D-voastra de pe ce tel. vorbiti ?
Ea: De pe fix.
Oper.: Si pe ce tel. tastati codul puk ?
Ea: Pa i pe fix , nu?................

doamnaaaaa!!!! daca vorbesc la telefon din cada ma curentez?

am facut si eu abonament si imi apar doar numerele de la politie, salvare, etc... Numerele prietenilor mei cand apar in agenda?"

oper.: telefonul este dual band?
ea: DA, ESTE PORTOCALIU, GALBEN. (!!!!!).

Am sunat sa va rog sa-mi blocati cartela pt. ca mi-a fost rapit telefonul!

Ia ziceti, serviciul asta, Cost Control, pe cine controleaza, de fapt?
Pe noi sau pe dumneavoastra?

baronul · Post by **baronul** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 12:23 pm

Un restaurant super luxos.
Un tip bine pune ocii pe o tipa frumoasa care statea singura la o masa.

Cheama ospatarul si il roaga sa-i ofere tipei o sticla din cel mai bun vin.
Ospatarul se intoarce cu sticla si un bilet din partea tipei:
* Nu accept vinul decat daca ai cel mai tare Mercedes, un cont in banca de cel putin 50.000 de dolari si 18 cm. in pantaloni.
Tipul ii raspunde:
* Am un Mercedes ultimul tip, un Ferrari ultimul tip si un Porche ultimul tip. Contul meu din banca este de un milion de dolari, dar nici pentru o fata asa frumoasa ca tine nu mi-as taia 5 cm.

Post by **std** » Mon Mar 14, 2005 7:23 pm

Numai pentru iniţiaţi.
Santa Claus learns Unix

Code: Select all

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) {be good}

echo "Oh,"

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

Jin · Post by **Jin** » Wed Mar 16, 2005 9:51 am

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by theschool playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell hismother, "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrup

oitza · Post by **oitza** » Wed Mar 16, 2005 1:42 pm

Bula o vede pe mama lui dezbracata si o intreaba:
BULA:Mama, ce ai intre picioare?
MAMA:Un arici
BULA:Vezi sa nu-ti intre in p.z.a

Sir Ice · Post by **Sir Ice** » Thu Mar 17, 2005 5:24 pm

De la o prietena:
The U.S. Postal Service created a new stamp with a picture of President Bush to honor his achievements while in office. However, it was found that in daily use the stamp was not sticking to envelopes at all. So the President established a blue ribbon committee to determine the reason for such a defect. After a month's investigation, the committee released the following findings:
1. The stamp was found to be in perfect order. 2. There was nothing wrong with the consistency of the applied adhesive. 3. People were spitting on the wrong side.

sarbu_x · Post by **sarbu_x** » Fri Mar 18, 2005 2:34 pm

era o data un liliac!
shi-o murit...

brutalistu · Post by **brutalistu** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 7:52 pm

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."

-------------------------------------------------------

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs," still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that!! He asked. "oops! I'm sorry! Let's try again," she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied... "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"

brutalistu · Post by **brutalistu** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:58 am

TURNING HIM ON!
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"

Post by **std** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:26 pm

The Shift Key FAQ
The Shiftkey FAQ - Version 0.001
by Alan Meiss

Unleash the Power of Shift!

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

NightWalker · Post by **NightWalker** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:34 pm

Baieti, hai s-o lasam mai moale cu engleza. Postati bancuri in romana. Eventual care sa fie si hazlii.

Post by **std** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 4:00 pm

Aş fi tradus chestia aia în română cu mare plăcere dar este copyrighted, aş fi avut nevoie de acordul autorului şi nu i-am găsit adresa de e-mail.
De asemenea, atunci când vei fi nevoit să răspunzi la o parte din întrebările alea (şi aici vorbesc foarte serios), o să vezi ce hazlii ţi se par

.

brutalistu · Post by **brutalistu** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 10:14 am

unele bancuri nu au nici un haz daca sunt traduse in romana... Sorry.

Uite asta de exemplu:

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pu$$y.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

iLogiK · Post by **iLogiK** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 3:12 pm

A parent's primer to computer slang @ microsoft.com
mda..... =))

andrei · Post by **andrei** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:25 am

>India tech support<

De fapt, >toate clip-urile sunt mişto<...

icub4ucm · Post by **icub4ucm** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:03 pm

Nu e un banc e chiar situatie reala relatata de cineva de pe forumul meu....
Am ras cu lacrimi efectiv:

http://fmro.gameszone.ro/forum/index.ph ... 723&st=782

Joi dimineata. Deschid calculatorul si observ mailuri , trec mai departe.
Sambata dimineata. Intru pentru 50 de minute , vad ce face echipa la hattrick si inchid calculatorul
Azi deschid calculatorul si intru in mail :

Bergenbier Castigator bilet la meciul de fotbal Romania-Olanda Thu 03/24 2k

Subject: Castigator bilet la meciul de fotbal Romania-Olanda
From: "Bergenbier" <bergenbier@boom.ro> Add to Address Book

Felicitari!
Ati castigat un bilet la meciul de fotbal Romania-Olanda, care se va desfasura sambata 26 martie 2005, ora 20, pe stadionul Giulesti.

Pentru a ridica premiul va invitam la sediul firmei netBridge.
Va comunicam adresa si coordonatele:

Firma netBridge Investments
Bdul Pierre de Coubertin Nr. 3-5, Sector 2, Bucuresti, Cod Postal 021901
Caldirea ELECTROAPARATAJ
Joi, 24 Martie 2005 intre orele: 14 - 18
Vineri, 25 Martie 2005 intre orele: 10 - 18
Sambata, 26 Martie 2005 intre orele: 10 - 16

Am atasat o harta a zonei, pentru o mai buna localizare.

prezentarea, pana la data de 26 Martie 2005 ora 16, duce la pierderea premiului.
Actul de identitate este suficient pentru ridicarea premiului.
Pentru orice intrebare puteti sa ne contactati prin email (reply) sau telefonic la 0740113440.

Va invitam, cu aceasta ocazie, sa vedeti/cumparati produse cu sigla Echipei Nationale, personalizate Bergenbier.

Fii in galben! Fii roman!
Echipa Bergenbier

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 1:48 pm

Erau doua ciori pe un gard si una a zis "Te imping". Si am impins-o.

Un om avea un cal, si calul nu avea nimic impotriva.

Bula mergea pe un cal si la un moment dat cade. Se terminase calul.

Daedalus · Post by **Daedalus** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 7:08 pm

Un sofer se plimba cu masina pe autostrada. La un moment dat se termina benzina.

motor · Post by **motor** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 7:18 pm

Uite o tzeava sparta. Ce abureala!

Widsith the Wanderer · Tue Mar 29, 2005 7:56 pm

super amuzant mi s-a parut
Barbatul spune pe un ton convins: la noi in casa eu am ultimul cuvant "da mama!"

brutalistu · Post by **brutalistu** » Tue Mar 29, 2005 8:00 pm

Un avion incepe sa piarda altitudine si pilotul anunta grav: "Se pare ca ne prabusim. Pregatiti-va de impact!"
Scandal! Urlete! Tipete! Doi homosexali se uita unul la altul si unul zice: "Haide ma sa o mai facem o data pentru ultima data!"
"Unde ma? In atata lume?"
"Lasa-i ma p'astia ca nu se prind! Nu vezi ce e aici? Uite sa iti arat ca nu te baga nimeni in seama"
Si se ridica in picioare si zice:
"Nu va suparati! Are cineva un pix?"
Nimic! Acelasi iures, lume care se calca in picioare, urla!
"Haide!" Si se pun pe treaba...
Dupa vreo 10-20 de minute se redreseza avionul... pilotul isi cere scuze, toata lumea aplauda .. bla bla. Vin stewardezeele printre scaune sa ii linisteasca pe astia si dau peste un mos plin de boratura. Pe el, pe scaune, peste tot!
"Ce s-a intamplat domnule?"
"Pai mi-a fost rau.."
"Si nu ati putut sa luati o punga ceva sau sa cereti una?"
"Lasa ca a mai cerut unu un pix si sa vezi ce p**e in c** si-a luat dup'aia!"

goste_raul · Post by **goste_raul** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 2:19 pm

Un cioban ardelean, striga peste deal catre un alt cioban, tot ardelean:
Baaaaa.. Gheorghe...!, tie ti-a dus lupul din oi?
No bine ma, da ce-ai fi vrut, sa-mi aduca?

brutalistu · Post by **brutalistu** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 3:36 pm

The ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent to me."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

Number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. Not being very familiar, they question each other on what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks: "Vot’s he goink to do?"

Her sister answers," He’s goink to focus!"

The second cries," Bot’ of us!?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calling all math geniuses to try this....and prove the logic...

The mother is 21 years older than the child. In 6 years from now the
mother
will be 5 times as old as the child.

Question : Where\'s the father?

Try first, before you check the answer below!

Solution :
The mother is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21

In 6 years from now the mother will be 5 times as old as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5

Hence,
C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30

-3 = 4C
C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 years old, it\'ll be born in 9 months.

Right now, the father is on top of the mother.

baronul · Post by **baronul** » Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:29 pm

Prietenii intre femei

O femeie se intoarce acasa dimineata.
Barbatul o intreaba unde a fost pina la ora asta, la care femeia
raspunde ca a dormit la cea mai buna prietena a ei.
Barbatul da telefon la 10 cele mai bune pietene ale sotiei
Nici una nu ii confirma ca a dormit noapte la ea .

Prietenii intre barbati

Se intoarce barbatul dimineata acasa.
Femeia il intreaba unde a fost pina la ora asta. El isi argumenteaza
lipsa datorita faptului ca a dormit acasa la cel mai bun prieten.
Femeia telefoneaza la 10 cei mai buni prieteni a sotului ei si din
toti, 8 ii confirma ca intr-adevar noaptea precedenta sotul ei a dormit
la ei.
Ceilalti 2 insista ca inca se afla acolo.

brutalistu · Post by **brutalistu** » Tue Apr 12, 2005 6:07 pm

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supplying a new definition. Here are this
year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come very quickly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ****.

Sir Ice · Post by **Sir Ice** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:29 pm

http://www.math.temple.edu/~cristi/roma ... ncuri.html
take your pick

ScareDog · Post by **ScareDog** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:10 am

Trei scheleti mergeau pe strada, la un moment dat unul il pipaie pe al de linga el:
Ia uite ce oase tari ai! cind ai murit?
In '60 zice scheletul
Eee se traia bine atunci
Da' tu cind ai murit ?
Pai in '70
Da si atunci se traia bine vad ca si tu ai oase tari, calciu ce mai
Il intreaba curiosi si pe al treilea:
Da tu cind ai murit ca ia uite ce oase tari ai si tu
La care scheletele raspunde:
Eu n-am murit sunt student la constructii si ma duc la ore

cheetah · Post by **cheetah** » Fri Apr 15, 2005 3:06 pm

Concurs de avansare în grad la POLITIE.Examen de limba si literatura
româna.Intra primul concurent(c-pt...):
-Buna ziua.Sa traiti!
Comisia:
-Noroc!Va rog sa analizati propozitia ''Venea o moara pe Siret''!
Pauza.
-Va multumim.Urmatoru'!s.a.m.d.
..................
Ultimul candidat:
-Onorata comisie,subiectul propozitiei este''VENEA''...
Stupoare în sala!...(panica, rumoare,discutii,femei,alcoolisti etc.)
-Cum e posibil asa ceva?Explicati va rog optiunea dvs.!
-Pãi,usor!Am pus întrebarea: ''Cine omoara pe SIRET?''
Raspuns:''VENEA omoara pe SIRET''!

Overmind · Post by **Overmind** » Sat Apr 16, 2005 11:03 pm

The KAT:
http://www.220.ro/stuff/Nu_trage_domn_Semaca_
E tare de tot; check it out !

r4zv4n · Post by **r4zv4n** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 1:01 pm

Q: How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
* 1 to move it to the Lighting section
* 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
* 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
* 5 to flame the spell checkers
* 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
* 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
* 3 standards zealots to point out that light bulbs have been deprecated in the LB 2.1 spec
* 1 to call upon everybody to ignore this deprecation
* 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
* 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
* 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
* 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
* 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
* 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
* 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
* 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
* 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
* 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
* 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
* 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
* 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Lao · Post by **Lao** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 1:56 pm

Un tata scapa de la serviciu un pic mai tarziu si pe drumul spre casa, isi
aduce aminte ca e ziua fiicei sale. Opreste masina in fata unui magazin de
jucarii si o intreaba pe vanzatoare:
- Cat costa papusa Barbie din vitrina?
Vanzatoarea ii raspunde:
- Care Barbie?
Avem: Barbie la gimnastica - 19,95 euro
Barbie jucand volei - 19,95 euro
Barbie la cumparaturi - 19,95 euro
Barbie la plaja - 19,95 euro
Barbie la dans - 19,95 euro
Barbie divortata - 265,95 euro
Barbatul, uimit, intreaba:
- Si de ce costa fiecare cate 19,95 euro, iar Barbie divortata costa 265,95
euro? Vanzatoarea, cu un aer foarte natural, ii raspunde:
- "Barbie divortata" are si:
Masina lui Ken
Casa lui Ken
Undita lui Ken
Mobila lui Ken
Calculatorul lui Ken...

Post by **TheLastHope** » Sat Apr 23, 2005 5:25 pm

CUM SE CURÃTÃ TOALETA ÎN MOD PLÃCUT
Instructiuni detaliate:
1. Ridicã cele 2 capace ale toaletei si toarnã în bazin 1/8 canã de sampon pentru animale de companie.
2. Prinde pisoiul si mângâie-l linistitor în timp ce-l duci cãtre baie.
3. Atentie! Cu o singurã miscare pune pisoiul în toaletã si închide cele 2 capace. Fii pregãtit sã te asezi pe capac.
4. Pisoiul începe sã se agite si face multi clãbuci. Nu lua în seama zgomotele care rãzbat prin capacele toaletei, pisoiului chiar îi place foarte mult sã te ajute.
5. Trage apa de 3 sau 4 ori. Aceastã actiune provoacã fenomenul de spãlare Turbo si clãtire.
6. Roagã pe cineva sã deschidã usa casei. Asigurã-te cã pe traseul baie-usã nu e nimeni.
7. Stai cât de departe poti de toaletã si ridicã rapid cele 2 capace.
8. Pisoiul iese cu vitezã din toaletã, baie, casã. Odatã ajuns afarã
9. Toaleta si pisoiul strãlucesc de curãtenie. 10. Repetã pasii 1 - 9 cel putin o datã pe zi, pentru o toaletã impecabilã.
Cu respect,
Câinele

Post by **STalKer[KooKieS]** » Sat Apr 23, 2005 8:45 pm

Sper ca n-a mai fost

Iepurasul se întâlneste cu ursul:
- Hai ursule sa bem ceva. Fac cinste.
Se duc în Forest Bar. Iepurasul:
- O vodca pentru mine si o cola pentru urs.
Dupa ce termina si ies, ursul iritat:
- Ba, tu îti bati joc de mine? Ai grija !
A doua zi:
- Hai ursule sa bem ceva la bar. Fac cinste.
- Bine, ba, dar ai grija.
La cârciuma:
- O vodca pentru mine si doua cola pentru urs.
Dupa ce ies, ursul îl ia pe iepuras la bataie, da cu el de-a rostogolul, suturi, etc.
A treia zi, iepurasul murdar, rupt, ranit:
- Hai ursule sa bem ceva. Fac eu cinste.
- Ba, daca faci misto, stii ce patesti!
La bar:
- O vodca pentru mine si o cola pentru urs, ca daca bea mult nu mai stie ce face.

r4zv4n · Post by **r4zv4n** » Wed Apr 27, 2005 2:45 pm

Fat Frumos merge la psiholog si ii spune ca nu are deloc succes la femei.
Psihologul ii face un set de teste specifice si ii spune:
- Fat Frumos, tu esti baiat destept, cult, frumos, dar tu ai o problema
mare: nu stii sa comunici cu femeile. Uite, iti recomand sa procedezi asa:
te duci intr-o discoteca, iti iei o bere si te uiti de jur-imprejur. Cand te
hotarasti la o femeie anume, te uiti fix la ea; ea se va simti privita, iti
va intoarce privirea si atunci te duci la ea, o intrebi cum o cheama, ce mai
face, ce doreste sa bea si de aici totul este usor...
Merge Fat Frumos la o discoteca, ia o bere si se uita de jur imprejur. Vede
o blonda impecabila si o fixeaza cu privirea. Ea se simte privita si ii
intoarce privirea. Fat Frumos isi zice:
- Ar trebui sa ma duc la ea, dar nu pot acum, mai stau putin, mai iau o
bere...
Cand in sfarsit se hotaraste, brusc blonda se duce la WC. O asteapta Fat
Frumos la usa 5, 10, 20, 30 min, dupa care se enerveaza si pleaca. Imediat
blonda iese din WC, il remarca si il ajunge din urma:
- Salut! zice ea
- Salut! zice Fat Frumos
- Pe mine ma cheama Ileana Consanzeana! Pe tine cum te cheama?
- Fat Frumos!
- Ce mai faci, Fat Frumos?
- Bine...
- Bei ceva, Fat Frumos?
- Mda, o bere.
Si Ileana ii cumpara o bere. Se instaleaza o tacere penibila, in care Fat
Frumos se tot gandea ce sa mai zica... Dupa vreo juma' de ora de tacere, Fat
Frumos isi ia inima in dinti si spune:
- Si zi asa... te-ai c@c@t... ?

iLogiK · Post by **iLogiK** » Wed Apr 27, 2005 6:17 pm

povestea unui hacker (true story.....) =))

si daca tot postez sa va zic si un banc:

Ajunge un pagan in Rai....Se plimba el pe-acolo....campii verzi, munti, plaje minunate, cer senin, etc...
deodata, vede o groapa mare si neagra.....intreaba pe un trecator ca ce-i cu ea.
"Pai....ala ii Iad-ul"
"Si cine a ajuns acolo daca eu, pagan fiind am ajuns in Rai?"
"Crestinii"
"Crestinii ?!?!?!?"
"Da....lui Dumnezeu nu Ii place sa I se zica ce gandeste.."